My Daughter Was Born at 24 Weeks
Here's what God taught me
The first time I held my daughter, I knew the doctor was giving me her to say goodbye.
I was in my final year of bible college. The birth of our first child should have been a time of joy. But as my wife’s waters broke at 24 weeks, we knew chances were not good.
The consultant confirmed this after our newborn daughter had been rushed from the room. She was being given a “test of life”; a test they didn’t expect her to pass.
This month, however, marks her birthday. She is now a primary school age child. Although there have been many challenges for her along the way, there are no long-lasting problems.
I’ve wanted for a number of years to have the chance to reflect on the lessons learned. Now having this newsletter gives me the chance. I hope it gives you an insight into the lessons learned from these challenges.
(Note: I’m going to withhold her name and age for security reasons, apologies if that makes it seem impersonal)
Suffering can only be understood by experience
When my daughter was born, I was training to be a pastor. I often say to people this was my final module at theological college.
It was a lesson I needed.
As a pastor, I have had to counsel people in a range of sorrows. I could have read a thousand books on suffering but nothing would have been as effective as walking through that suffering myself.
If even Christ had to learn obedience through suffering, I needed it too.
God and Us in Suffering
Early on, our daughter had to have blood taken quite regularly. Her feet were so small, it was quite an ordeal.
I remember on one of the first days I was really struggling spiritually. God wanted to hurt my baby for his glory? What was so great about his glory? How could he do this to my little girl?
I watched my daughter writhing under the needle and wished I could explain to her why we were doing it. This needle was a small pain but it was saving her life. But of course, a premature baby could never understand a medical procedure. All I could give her was a reassuring hand.
At that moment, I realised I was like my daughter.
What God was putting me and her through was like the prick of a needle. It was for my good, but in a way I could never understand. Just as she could never understand taking blood, I could never understand God’s plans in suffering.
He did want to hold my hand though. And I decided it was worth holding it.
Churches need to learn to lament
Some people say silly things to sufferers. Well-meaning Christians would give healthy doses of false hope.
The funny thing is, the Bible never taught me to “put on a happy face”. I read the Psalms and they showed a God I could bring my deepest hurts too.
I try to visit a Psalm of Lament annually at church because I think this is a lesson Christians desperately need to hear. We don’t have to fake it to God. We can come with our deepest hurts and frustrations.
Presence Matters
The danger of describing stories of misguided advice is that it puts us off helping sufferers. While there are certainly Christians who rush in with advice, that shouldn’t make us flee.
Actually, I found Christians generally have good sense when they approach suffering. Most don’t give false hope or easy answers. They are just there.
Two examples of this. Our daughter was born on a Sunday afternoon. Within the hour of her being born, our pastor at the time was there with us. I actually have no idea how he got there. It was Sunday afternoon - surely he people round or a sermon to prepare? But instead he was present. I can’t describe how grateful I am for that.
The other thing was people just mucking in:
We were feed lunch and tea for months.
Our family did chores for us.
Women came and went out for walks with Nat.
Friends from across the country drove down to hang out with us for a mere few hours.
They didn’t say anything profound. They were just there. And frequently that’s the best thing you can do.
Marriage is about mutual support
Initially, my main focus was to support Nat. From the horrors of her waters breaking sixteen weeks early to the pain of hearing newborn babies cry while hers was upstairs, she needed my help. I probably spent around a month being her support.
But that didn’t last. At a certain point, the pressure told. Nat ended up supporting me just as much as I had supported her. This often flip-flopped over the twenty weeks of our daughter’s ups and downs. Sometimes I needed her support, sometimes she needed mine. That was a real lesson of what marriage is all about.
God’s different answers to prayer
God always answers prayer, but not always in the way you expect.
At a certain point, I decided I would pray that our daughter would come home on her original due date. As we got closer, it became clear that wasn’t going to happen. She had a rough ride, even at one stage contracting MRSA. I grew despondent, why couldn’t God give this one answer to prayer?
The day I’d prayed she’d come home though, my wife and I had a good opportunity to talk to another mum about our faith. There were 4 babies who had contracted MRSA and so our families spent a lot of time together. That was an answer to another, consistent prayer, that we would have chances to share our faith.
Did it make a difference? I don’t know. But God wanted it to happen. He refused to answer my prayer about timings because this answer to prayer was more important.
Abortion is Disgusting
When you have seen the pain a 24 week old can sufferer, it is horrifying that in our country children with Down Syndrome can be murdered up to 50 weeks as a medical procedure.
I sympathise with the plight of women with unwanted pregnancies (and my understanding is the vast majority of abortions are instigated by someone other than the mother). But to hurt a child in the way doctors do is just wrong.
Go to a neonatal unit and watch a 24 week-er having blood taken if you’re not convinced.
God’s generosity
The consultant sat us down the day after our daughter was born and wanted to give us a reality check. Having survived 24 hours, the chances of survival were vastly improved. 50:50 maybe more.
But even if she survived, we needed to prepare ourselves for the consequences. Of children that survive, a third are totally fine. A third have significant problems but ones that don’t hugely affect life. A third will have profound life-limiting disability.
We prepared ourselves for that eventuality. And her early life did have problems. She had major struggles in hospital. On coming home, her development was slow. She took until just before she turned two to walk. She had wheezy breathing most of her first years, and she was in hospital whenever she got a cold.
But, she had an operation on her heart at two. And that instantly resolved those problems. Now, how could I describe her? She’s hilarious. She’s spiritually bright. She loves her family (including two younger brothers) intensely. She is a deep joy.
Honestly, when this first happened a part of me feared God wanted to test us with a long term struggle. But God is a generous and merciful God. Yes, he would have been that if he had taken her.
Yet that doesn’t take away my gratitude for his generosity to me in letting us have yet another birthday with my little girl.
Wow. Thank you for sharing.